I'll Keep it to Myself
by Apple Fairy
Summary: There were so many words we wanted to say. There were so many words we never dared to speak. But we still knew the words 'I love you' applied to how we felt about each other. AschNatalia Asch's POV VERY poetic


Hajimemashite and Konnichiwa, dearest reader-san! Apple Fairy here! .

Well, here's a NataliaxAsch fic for you. I hope you enjoy it:3

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tales of the Abyss.

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_I'll Keep it to Myself_

_Story by Apple Fairy_

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_ There are so many words I want to say._

_So many things I keep inside._

_I think I'll just keep them there, though. Keep them in my heart._

* * *

She was a lot of things to people. She was a leader, a teammate, a friend, and even a daughter. She was an archer, a healer, a good all around fighter. She was a lousy cook, a determined princess, one who refused to know the word impossible, a girl who was too sheltered to know the world, and too strong-minded to let that hold her back. 

She was beautiful.

She felt light in my arms. So frail, yet so strong…

We reminisced for a while. I quickly changed the subject.

That was the past, and the past was taken by him.

She reminded me of a memory in that town. I still don't like to make pinky promises.

Stop holding me back, Natalia. The past is over. The past is gone.

I wanted to tell her that. But I didn't. Let her live her fairytale just a little longer. Let her believe the 'knight' was soon to love her.

He did.

But, her 'knight' is no 'knight'.

Her knight is me, and I have no clue why.

Yes, I admit I…admire her. She's beautiful. She's strong.

"Asch, where are you going?"

Always asking that. And you know what I wanted to say?

"Why? Do you want to come?"

No. I never said that, though. I just told her where I was headed, or gave an indirect answer.

I didn't want her to cling to me. I didn't want her to hold on to me. I wanted her to move on, to forget the past that was taken by him.

Yet, I didn't make a move to let her let go. I…wanted her to stay.

Before I knew it, she grew on me. Her and her strong, outgoing personality, her and her determined nature, it all grew on me. Before I knew it, I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want her to forget or let go of me. I wanted her to be next to me, to fight next to me, to stand next to me and watch the sunset, as we talked of protecting her country, _our _country.

…I guess that's when it happened. In Sheridan, was when I realized it. It was all chance, really. Or, maybe it was fate?

Nah. I never really believed in that superstitious stuff, anyway.

When she didn't respond to my vow, and we just looked at that sunset together and I dared a glance to her, and I felt that strange throb in my heart…

…Shoot, how do I say this without sounding clichéd…?

…Whatever. I admit it. I didn't fall in love, per se…but learned to love her. I learned to love this girl who still clung onto that pinky-promise of marriage.

And…I guess I still held up that vow. I dropped a hint. I wonder if she noticed.

It doesn't matter now.

The thing was, when I walked away from her, from the sunset, and that quiet moment, I wished deeply that she would call out for me. Say my name with that special way only she could say. A high tone at the start, and then a finish with her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

Asch.

It was a name I had given myself. It was the symbol that I was only the remnants of the 'Sacred Flame'. I gave it to myself out of anger, out of spite.

But when she said it, it didn't sound like that. It just sounded like a name, like any other name.

But, I digress.

I even wanted to walk slower, just to see if she would call for me.

Surprisingly enough, she did.

"Asch, wait!"

I turned around, not caring to thank whatever higher being had cared to answer my prayer.

All I could think about was what she would say now.

"What?"

She stayed a silent for awhile, her eyes examining my face. I bet I had that angered look on my face like I always do. I can't even remember the last time I smiled. Was it when I was a kid…?

"I…stay? A little longer?"

She looked to the side. I knew she wanted to say more. Wanted to say something impacting. Wanted to say something she had kept inside.

I wanted her to say it.

"Why?"

She stood up straighter, and cleared her throat. I almost smiled; she was trying to look professional.

"No reason really-"

"Then you won't mind if I leave?"

She looked at me with wide blue eyes. She wanted me to stay there. To stay with her. I could tell.

It was the same I felt with her. To stay with me. To not forget me.

We felt the same way about each other.

"I-I…I'm sorry. You've got to look for Spinoza, right? I shouldn't hold you back; Y-You can leave if you-" She stuttered, and looked away and down from me. She didn't look like her strong noble self anymore; she looked like someone who needed protection, who wanted company. She wanted a hand to hold as she walked, and I was walking too fast.

So, I slowed down for her, and grabbed hold of that hand.

"It's fine."

Her head shot up and she looked at me with wide eyes again.

"…Are you sure?"

I shrugged trying to look casual.

"Yeah." I mumbled, and walked back to her. If I wasn't such a coward I would've probably stood in front of her right there and see where that would've taken me. Maybe she'd hug me. Maybe I'd get to kiss her. Maybe we'd have one of those clichéd romance moments where the fluttery music would play, and the perfect shot of the couple would show, and it'd just look artistic and fairy-tale beautiful.

But, no. I'm a coward. I'm…shy…

Whatever.

I stood next to her and she looked at me. I looked at her back, and we just stared at each other.

It was such an open moment. I could've bent down and kissed her. I could've said what I've kept inside. She could've done the same. Could've kissed me, knowing I wouldn't push her away. She could've said what she wanted to say. Could've spoken for both of us for what we wanted to say.

Three words. Eight letters. Three syllables.

But we didn't.

We just stood there, wondering who would make the first move. We didn't dare to look away. Didn't dare to break such a moment.

There were so many unspoken words in that moment. How we felt, how I wanted her to cheer up, how she wanted to say thank you. We both kept it all inside. We kept it in our hearts, away from one another, not daring to turn the key and unlock this box to let out these unspoken words.

It was I that turned away first. I told you I was a coward.

I was sure I had heard her sigh in disappointment. Maybe that was just the wind. Maybe it was just my imagination.

It doesn't matter now.

It should have been left at that. Our words locked away, our feelings kept inside, not to be known by each other. Just keeping each other company.

After all, I was no fairytale prince for this fairytale princess.

But Natalia was always the headstrong one. She took chances.

With her small hand she turned the key fully, not backing away from the box like I had. She opened it, lifted the lid, and smiled.

I widened my eyes when I felt it. I looked down.

That small hand was holding my own.

She refused to look at me, her face stern and red. She was embarrassed, I could tell.

I had no idea what to do…I mean, what would _you_ do?! I didn't see it coming…

I stared at her and her red face. I felt my heart beat faster. What to do…What to do…

Then, before I knew it, I was opening that box too; her guiding my hand. I was afraid. I didn't want her to remember me!

But, I also didn't want her to forget me.

I looked away from her, and held that hand back. I squeezed it, and I could feel her jump a bit in surprise. I felt her blue eyes on me, but didn't dare to look back. Did she look shocked? Did she look happy? I wanted to know…

I turned my head to her. She had such a relieved look on her face. So relaxed and happy. It made me feel a little glad.

"Asch…"

She said it again. Made it sound just like any other name.

I wanted her to say it. I wanted her to say these unspoken words.

"Yes?"

She studied my face for a while. Did she see that stupid dreck in my features? I shooed away that thought. I wouldn't let him ruin this moment.

"I…" She trailed off, and glanced to the sea. I urged her to say it. I wanted those unspoken words to be said from her lips.

"What is it?" I pushed her to continue, a bit of irritance in my voice. I didn't have a lot of time, truthfully…

"…Thank you, for…helping me." She finished and stood up straighter, looking proud of herself to have said those words.

Those weren't the words I wanted her to say. It wasn't the unspoken words that we kept inside. I knew it. She probably knew it too.

But we kept them inside, locked away, and too scared to let it all spill out in either fear or shyness.

No. Maybe it was neither of that. Maybe we were happy this way.

Happy to know the words were there, even if they weren't spoken, and happy to know our feelings were there. Perhaps we should be content to know we will be there for each other, that we will care for each other, even if we never say 'I love you'.

I nodded my head.

"Anytime, Natalia."

* * *

Even now, the words are still kept inside. I glance behind me, not turning around to look at her. She probably looks heartbroken. 

"Asch, we are you going now?"

_Gone, forever. _I tell her mentally. I was prepared to save this world. There was no place anymore for me on this planet. The replica had taken it all. He had taken my parents, my friends, her…It was all his now, and I didn't even get to have the remains.

I wouldn't be as missed as he would be if he died.

But if I died…she would miss me.

This is what happens when I let her remember me. This is what I get for letting her cling onto that pinky promise.

And right now, there are so many things I want to say to her. She's asking me why I am doing this. She's begging me not to; knowing full well it was for the best.

And I want to answer her. I want to say 'I'm sorry.', 'Please forget me.', 'This is for the best.', 'Forgive me.', and most of all, the words we had left unspoken:

I love you.

But, I said nothing.

I just walked away from her, from them, from all of it. I had to sacrifice myself. It was for the better. I felt a tug at my heart. The unspoken words wanted to be let out.

But I never let them out; I probably never will.

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That's the end of it! Thank you for reading:3 

Wow…so very depressing. Sorry for that. And it's written so disorderly and bland…And the POV doesn't sound like Asch at all. Man, this phails. Dx

I'm sorry if it's too poetic to sound like Asch. I heavily apologize for that. And sorry it's so…bad.

Um…the time when he was talking about 'She feels light' was when he caught her in the Ortion cave. The 'city' was in Belkend…I am so bad with this sort of stuff. So very sorry. Dx

Well, enough of that! Thank you for reading again! I hope you have a wonderful day:3

-Apple Fairy


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